Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
