so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
