So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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