Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
