I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
