It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
farters have to be the big spoon...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
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