Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
