I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I AM VODKA MAN
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
