my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
did you just send me my own nude
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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