She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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