so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The air was thick with penises
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
