Taylor Swift is so right about you.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This house was built for laser tag.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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