I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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