You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
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