Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
