Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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