Don't you send me to vm
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize