Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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