I want to have your abortion
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
