wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
