I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
