Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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