you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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