glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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