I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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