My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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