Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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