remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize