I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
