..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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