Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize