Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
