I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize