she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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