soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
