OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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