Your face is a jimmy john
Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
