Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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