at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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