i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
