dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Everyone says I win the strip club
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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