i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
