I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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