She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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