I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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