i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize