Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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