I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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