He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
