standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
pray to the hookup gods
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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