I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
