Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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