Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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