I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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