I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
