just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
