my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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