I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
