is your mom at the bar?
Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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