Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
