I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
