based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
vagina is talking i cant
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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