Betty ford says i'm here all night
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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