so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Randomize
