its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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