I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
