Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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